NEW YEAR, SAME OLD STORY

I was getting out of the bath tub, after some self care bath bomb action, when I slammed my foot into the porcelain soap dish, mounted into the tile wall. I was trying to shake some water off my foot, and I guess I did it with more enthusiasm than I should've. I screamed "WHAT THE F*CK ELSE, UNIVERSE?!" I was having a bad day. Kind of a bad new year. The pressure that the first of the year should be the most efficient and productive and profound, resulted in a decent bruise on the top of my foot.

What is it about the new year that gets everyone's knickers in a twist? Isn't January 1 just like any other day? Maybe, we just need an excuse to "start over" with our "new me" and "new lifestyle" and "new habits". I've found that if we make "resolutions", we likely won't keep them. Goals should be SMART, and they should be things that EXCITE you! If they don't, then the only motivation you have to attain them, is the avoidance of public shame and guilt, right?

Yet, every year, I make them.

I promise myself to be more gentle and more patient. To be a more calm mother, and to put myself first. I promise to loose weight and 'for good this time!'.

Last year was the first year I wanted Christmas to be over with when January came around. Now, in 2019, I'm getting the same feelings. I did a deep dive into this, and I think it's because Christmas never lives up to the expectation I have of it in my head, so I want it gone when the 25th passes. I tell myself I'll try again next year.

I started this year with crippling anxiety. Panic attacks, and restless nights. I'm looking for a new psychiatrist and doing some hard work with my psychologist. At the end of last year, things with Bubs, medically, got more complicated again. His dentition became a catastrophe and his reflux was as bad as ever. Long story short, now he's scheduled for extractions on the 17th. I feel more mom guilt than I probably EVER have.

I'm trying to focus hardcore into self care, and on filling up my cup. I give and give and give at work, then I come home and give and give and give some more. It's just not sustainable. I have a plan for post-op, so this doesn't happen again, and so I can minimize any damage that I can.

My focus on my home is also at the forefront of priorities for me. I need my apartment to be a sanctuary. I need to come home, and think, "ahhhhh". I need to feel safe here when I'm experiencing anxiety, and maybe most of all, I need it to stop being another headache and another thing on my to-do list. Right now it's a mess. It looks like a laundry bomb went off in it.

I don't know why we all feel the need to start on January 1st. But I'm going to start again. Right now. With all the grace I can muster, and I'll be doing my damndest not to kick any more bathroom fixtures.

It's not too late. It's never too late to start. What are you going to do?

Bedtime

9:50 pm : I don't want to be touched at all. I am someone who needs time alone to recharge, and right now? I don't want to f*cking be touched. And at the same time, I want to spoon him and stroke his hair and fall asleep with him curled up in my arms.

It messes with you- the conflicting feelings.

I have read in multiple places on the interwebs that parents (more so mothers than fathers- dunno why) of kiddos with extra needs experience stress levels equivalent to that of combat Veterans. I could totally see some validity in that, but I also really think that shit is relative. I have been managing Bub's care his whole life all on my own. Through any relationship I've had since I've become a mother, I have still been the one and only person to coordinate care and fight for services. Part of that is my mommy martyr showing, but I've never been willing to compromise his care to spare someone else's feelings.

10:00 pm : There is a toddler foot kicking my ribs right now, because I'm typing this in bed as some kind of hail mary, therapeutic, cathartic, I don't even know what. STOP. TOUCHING. ME. KID. His freaking fingers are wrapped around the strap of my tank top, pulling, scratching me as he opens and closes his fist, and then has just decided to slide his hand down and grab my thigh in his fist- which is COVERED in stretch marks and causes the most remarkable pain that feels as though he will quite literally tear my skin open.

What was I saying? Oh. Stress levels. I work a full time job with crazy hours. I usually work 7 days a week. Some of those days I only work three hours. Some days I start at 5am, work til 8 am, work 11 am to 2 pm, work 630pm through to 6 am the following day. Nope. Not making that up. IT. IS. MADNESS. I am a student at a local community college because my father might loose his shit if he has to tell me one more time that a degree is the only way out of this rat race. AND my role as Bub's momma? Don't even get me started.

It is the most privileged, humbling, rewarding, terrifying, exhausting, and magical thing I think anyone could experience. It's not easy. Not even close. I got home from the gym around 8:45, took over for my ex, took my dinner into my son's bedroom, and started to eat it as quietly as I could, because if he knows I'm near, he tends to fall asleep faster. Random and unrelated? Maybe. But it also gives me a head start if he bolts out of bed.

His bed- I opted for a full size mattress for a few reasons. First, there was enough room to build a pillow wall to keep him from rolling out, and still give him enough room to spread out. (yep. wWAS. Past tense. WAS enough room). Secondly, I thought the extra inches would allow for me to lay with him when he was ill or just couldn't sleep, saving me the aches that I got from the nights I spent in his crib with him. Third, it wasn't that big of a price gap. YET. Despite all of that, I'm perched with one ass cheek on his bed and the other hanging over the side, balanced on my leg that's contorted under me. If I leave he will come running after me. If I try to reclaim some mattress territory- well, I'm in reach of those strong, only-well-meaning fingers, searching for comfort.

I am human. As much as I fancy myself super advocate mom- I am not. When you have a 56 pound toddler using every single tactic in his arsenal to get out of bed, it can fucking hurt. Managing this behavior while not injuring either one of us is nearly impossible. He will fling all of his weight at me, trying to scratch or bite me because that's his only way to communicate those feelings right now. He will come up into a headstand-like position against the headboard where it meets the mattress, and try to hyperextend his neck. His little neck that I made from scratch. And so, I try to hide my panic and my frustration as I ask him, "Can I help you calm your body down?" when all I'm really thinking is "Cut it the fuck out, I beg of you just fucking stop that shit". And I falter. Often. I tell him to 'stop', and 'cut it out, please Liam just stop that crap'. And what follows is the most heavy blanket of guilt that immediately envelops me. My huffs and frustration melt instantly into remorse and fear that I'm screwing this whole 'Momma' thing up. And soon, my 8:45 turns into 10pm (Now, 10:30) and I am at my wits end, only wanting to help him. Only wanting to know that magic secret sauce that will allow him to relax enough to give into sleep. And then he starts effectively beating me up again (I say that only because that's my experience). When I haven't had enough time to take care of myself or the shit I need to do just to make sure things run around here, it translates to my patience with him. And so while he is yanking fist-fulls of my hair out by hanging on it, while kicking and biting me. I'm doing everything I can not to react. Of course the moment I say "would you just let go", those all too familiar feelings come creeping in. Momma guilt is a stupid villain. AND for the record? This is not ALL of who Liam is. Not even CLOSE. He is the most kind, loving, and intuitive kid. I call him my sage boy. Speaking of which, that toddler foot kicking the shit out of my sore ribs just started gently prodding, as if to figure out if I'd push him away, while gently rubbing my arm with it, because I'm out of reach of his hands. Nah, he got me. He put his little hand on my arm and pulled my hand to his head wanting me to stroke his hair. NEWP. Back to the foot on my arm.

I'm doing my best. And tonight it doesn't feel like enough. Tonight I wasn't patient enough because I wasn't rested enough, or supported enough, or met my own needs.

I want him to feel safe.
I want him to stop swatting at me with full force.
I want him to fall asleep.
I want him to stop pinching my stretched out painful skin.
I want him to give in to his exhaustion.
I want to fix his GI problems that cannot possibly be helping the situation.
I want him to stop kicking my ribs as hard as he can, because they are SO sore from working out to try to stay strong and healthy enough to care for him in the way he needs.
I want him to hold my hand without digging his nails under mine.
I want him to let me rub his back for more than ten seconds before popping up laugh-screaming.

And right now?

I just don't want to be touched, but I love feeling his foot on my arm, knowing that it's giving him some small comfort.

January 18th

My father had suggested earlier this day that I find a 'facility' who could take me sweet four year old. He meant well, so as much as I wanted to fault him, deep down, I knew his intentions weren't malicious. I called him, upset and in and out of panic attacks over an increase in rumination. I hopped on Facebook and shot a message to my friend.

My friend wrote, "You are in the hardest part right now, and you are surviving." She just gets me. She helps ground me when I spin out in fits of unease and unrest about the unknown of our future.

"And when he's an adult, he likely will live away from you, in a community based home. This isn't forever. He will be an adult and move out just like all adults do."

One of my absolute favorite people, badass mama friends, and former coworker in the field of developmental and intellectual disabilities sent me that message on January 18th of this year. And it felt like someone hit me in the stomach. Not because the idea of him leaving me one day upset me but because it was the first time anyone had labeled his future 'out loud'. I started our journey with Autism in denial, and until that moment when I read that message, I'd had this hope, that he would figure it out, and figure out a way to communicate and he would still be a successful doctor-teacher-scientist. But for whatever reason, this matter of fact phrasing.. it hit me. Hard.

And she is right.

My son is now four and a half. He is non-verbal and signs for a few preferred things. Let's just be real for a minute. I will always have hope that I will hear him say "I love you, mama", but he tells me that in other ways. I truly think I've come to an acceptance about that part. His relationship with me? I'm pretty much at peace with that.

But right now? I worry about his relationship with the world. He's growing up, and the older and bigger he gets, the more evident the divide is. And there are not enough people who can bridge that right now.

I'm putting it out into the universe right now. I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR HIM. I will do him proud. I will fail. More often than I succeed maybe. But I won't give up, and I'll give myself grace. Because my big boy, he deserves the world.

And in the words of my sweet friend, "It scares you because you are imagining Liam NOW, moving out. He's going to have more skills and be an adult. You are rocking it. Even if day to day you feel like you are just surviving." So, if anyone reading this is a fellow autism mama, you are rocking it.

My Mama Salary

Okay. So humor me here for a minute. IF a special needs advocate makes $68,000 in New York, New York according to Indeed.com, that means they make $32 and hour and change (For a 40 hour week). Not bad. But the thing is, that mamas and daddys of kiddos with special needs are doing similar jobs, with a pay rate of $0.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Today I spent three hours on the phone with two different providers. I have been fighting THIS fight since September. How many hours have I spent on the phone in that time? How much would someone with the title of 'Advocate' have been paid?

I will never stop advocating for my son, but I want people who don't get it to understand is this. IT'S A DAMN LOT OF WORK AND IT'S EMOTIONALLY TAXING. I mean no offense when I say this, but it's got nothing on trying to schedule your kids extracurriculars or figure out which baby sitter to hire. So with that being said, imagine a 40 hour a week full time job on top of that? Keeping the house in some semblance of clean, or at least not total squalor? It's a damn hard job, this Mama thing.

So to some it may seem annoying to have to keep making these calls. But on my side of it? I thought I solved this problem three times, and in the meantime I've shelled out hundreds of dollars on things that should've been covered by our insurance. It feels something akin to standing on the roof of a train as it bumbles down the tracks, shouting to a train on my right, and then passing that information along to the train on my left. I think I'm being clear and articulate but they have a whole schedule of stops and passengers who need things too. So I won't ever have their focus. It feels like shouting underwater. I can try as hard as I want, but ultimately, there are others (the water in this metaphor) that get in the way. I can try as hard as I want, but my pay out isn't measured solely by the effort and grit I put into it.

So with all that effort expended, I'm supposed to find time for myself? To make sure I have a full cup to pour from? Pft. Oh okay. Sure.

Enter The Miracle Morning, the latest book I picked up. Give it a read, I'll review it soon. But let me just say this. It was 429 when I woke up. And I didn't go back to sleep. AND I feel rested. So I'm thinking it's a good one.

So any fellow sped mama's out there. Hold your head high. Hang in there. You're doing a fantastic job despite any setbacks you may be encountering. Deep Breath in, deep breath out. Now go start your day and buy that book!

Belonging and Curved Edges

It's all we want, really. To feel like we belong.

Belong in our families, in our relationships, in our workplace, in our environment, and fuck, just in the world. Just want to find where our niche is, and then rock the shit out of it. It can't just be me.

For a long time I've worked in the healthcare and home services industry. Developmental disabilities, mental illness, elder services, and the like. And I've learned so SO much. I've learned about myself more than anything. I've learned what I'm capable of, and most importantly, were it is I feel like I belong. And that's serving people. Helping people.

I've worked for someone else since I was 18. Building someone else's dreams by following my heart, and that was okay. It was what I was supposed to do because I didn't go to college. I was supposed to get a job and work. And the universe led me to the field of my dreams. It was demanding!

I was excited though. I'd been exposed to the world of special needs in elementary school, through a friend who's brother was profoundly affected, then volunteered as an aide for a class with students with special needs in middle school, and just kept seeking any opportunities I could. So when I drove past this school for kiddos with developmental disabilities, I thought, "well, I might as well apply". But something pushed me to do more. I decided to volunteer while I waited to hear about my application. And that, my friends, is what I believe landed me the job. HR came down one day, saying she didn't realize I was the same person who had applied, and why don't I come up when I was done for the day. Long story short // hired.

Little did I know, a couple of weeks in, I got pregnant.

So just when I finally felt like I was in a groove, and I could make it on my own, and make money doing a job I really loved, I missed a period. And I wasn't the kind to miss periods. It was the 8th pregnancy test that finally confirmed it for me. Knocked. Up.

And that little ol' sense of belonging slipped out of my hands just as fast as I'd caught it.

In the meantime a co-worker told me about another company he worked for, serving individuals in small group homes of two or three. Applied. Interviewed. Hired. Boom. Double income doing something that I really fucking loved and was good at to boot. So when the home I worked in lost their manager, I was reached out to, and asked if I would be interested. It took everything in me not to shout, "You bet your ass I do!" My gosh, things were falling into place in my professional life!

But my personal life was falling apart. My relationship with my soon to be son's father was tenuous at best. Unhealthy and unsalvageable, yet I wasn't ready to give up. So I coped. His father and I.. we were like two puzzle pieces you force together in every different way JUST to make sure they really don't go together before giving up. Our weird and curvy pieces weren't the RIGHT weird and curvy ones.

He and I didn't belong together. And I gave it all I had to be sure, and that is a big part of why I don't wonder. I'm not curious about what we could've been, or if I made the right choice by walking away. I needed to find a place where my son and I belonged.

Fast forward 4 years, two moves, two states, and two more jobs later, and I'm finally feeling that "yeah, this feels good. This right here, it feels like where I'm meant to be" again. Is it perfect? NO. Big fat NO. Haha, but it's pretty damn good. I have a lot to be thankful for, and even more to look forward to. I know it won't be easy or pretty or storybook-like. But one thing I'm pretty sure about is that I belong here.

One of my weird and curvy edges fits here. Without forcing it. Fits. Belongs.

7 Months In

I should compose a proper update. One with details, and time devoted to sharing what I've experienced and felt in the past seven months. This post will undoubtedly be updated at some point and this little speech removed, but until then.

I'm making it through.

WE are making it through. I've been working really hard at letting some things in my life go that weren't serving me, and I've gotta say, there's something to this living your truth thing ;)

That's all for now.

Much love
Erika

Christmas Stocking Gift Guide

OH my goodness! It's already December!? I'm one of those people who shops last minute. I don't budget or plan or strategically shop the sales to get everything on my list. Maybe next year.

I put together a few things you could get the woman in your life to put in her stocking. These are just a few things that caught my eye! What would you ask for?

The first few things are from Sephora, shocker! 

This Josie Maran Argan Sugar Balm Body Scrub is AH- MA- ZING. Talk about spoiling yourself. If the woman you're buying for is anything like me, then in the cold New England months the dry skin is insane. This stuff is one of the only things that helps my skin stay moisturized. 

Then you have the Glam Glow Supermud Clearing Treatment. I've been really into skincare since moving to Massachusetts. The weather changes have been really hard on my skin. Sephora's website says it more concisely than I can. (This formula was clinically developed by GLAMGLOW® dermatological chemists to help fight all common skin concerns including breakouts, discoloration, black and white heads, razor bumps, and in-grown hair. Powerful, skin-clearing mud visibly draws out dirt and congestion while a proprietary six-acid blend dramatically brightens and softens skin. It works to magnetically draw out dirt and pores with Activated-X Charcoal, leaving skin smooth and healthy-looking.)  In my words? It helps the mess of things that my skin does when it freaks out. Seriously give me anything by Glam Glow. Speaking of anything... 

This duo of Poutmud Fizzy Lip Exfoliating Treatment and Wet Lip Balm Treatment is incredible. So incredible, in fact, that lately the website can't keep it in stock for more than a few days at a time lately. Grab it while they have it, and sign up for the email alert so they'll nudge you when they get it back in stock. 

Tarte, oh how you have my heart. Not as much as Glam Glow does right now, but their products are out of this world. This mascara pumps my short straight lashes up so much. It's almost like my favorite loreal one, but this makes my lashes longer, fuller, and bonus? The waterproof formula helps keep the curl in my lash all day. 

Now if you wanna get something a little more personal, I'm in love with these necklaces. Anna Saccone recently came out with a zodiac sign line. Her father passed down a pendant like this to her. She was so inspired that she made her own line of all the signs. This one is my son's sign. If she doesn't have kids, get her yours or her sign. The chains come in 3 lengths. Personally I'm a fan of the shortest one, but it all depends on her style. They also come in a silver and a rose gold. So cute!

Another jewelry option is Pandora charms. Whether she has a bracelet or not, these little guys are perfect to go in a stocking. My hubby to be and my son pick one each for me every year. It's a tradition I've come to treasure. I can wear this bracelet every day and no one knows the meaning of my charms. These Minnie and Mickey are on my lust list right now. Not a disney fan? (what the hell is wrong with you! --kidding....kind of --) They have others as well! 

Last, but definitely not least, are the Dreamer Flannel Pajamas from Victoria's Secret. I love these plaid ones, because they feel so festive to me. But there's also a print called 'Tis The Season' that calls to me. They have non holiday ones too if you're looking for something a little different. 

What's on your list? Do you have any go to's for small filler gifts? Let me know what they are!!

An Open Letter to the Father of my Son

Hi,

I don't even know how to greet you. Hello seems much too formal for someone who I share a child with. Though, maybe that's a good thing. Keep it unemotional. But how do I keep it unemotional? Maybe 'hey'. Nope. Too nonchalant. A letter of this gravity and emotional weight shouldn't be preceded by a 'hey'. Your name? No, it's been too long since we've communicated. Just sounds....unfamiliar.

You know, he's going to be three on Saturday. He's this whole person already. He's starting to come into his own. I see an adorable attitude emerging. He's rambunctious, like you. In the 1090 days I've spent with him, I still find any resemblance to you unsettlingly painful. I am left with a myriad of secret longings, which I would, of course, never tell you about. I would like to see pictures of you as a baby, a toddler, a schoolboy. Did he look just like you? Because in my baby pictures, I see so much of his face. I would like to visit the place where you come from, drink wine with your parents, to take a photo of you and I. If I were him, I'd want a photo of my parents together. Mostly, though, I want to know why you're not there for him, why he won't receive so much as a post card from you this weekend.

Anyways. I wonder what you're feeling. Right now, in this moment, and in all the moments of all the days since I last saw you.

Did you shield yourself from feeling pain when we moved so far away? Did you feel overwhelmed and stripped? Like you didn't know what you were supposed to do anymore? It's okay, you know. It's natures way of shielding you from feeling it all at once. Did you know in your heart that it was for the best? Did you take it personally? The more you thought about it, the stronger you were getting. If you knew it or not, you were getting stronger.

Were you angry? Angry at me for moving, for giving up on our relationship? Because he could've used you sticking around. I hope not, because you know we weren't getting along, and because your relationship with him shouldn't be affected by your relationship with me. Because he deserved your effort. Are you angry that you don't know him? Are you angry with yourself? If you are, don't let it keep you away. The door has been and will always be open. Please, if even the smallest part of you wants to, take the opportunity.

Did you run through the 'what if's and the 'if only's? I can tell you that there's very little merit in regret, but maybe you needed to think those things. Maybe you needed to process everything. I hope it didn't just find fault you or I, or what you thought should've been done differently. I'm sorry for the hurt you must've felt. He is a beautiful, smart, weasel-his-way-into-your heart kind of kid. I can't imagine what you felt.

Are you sad? Saddened because you aren't going to be here? Because you haven't been? Because of everything you've missed? Because of everything you will miss? His strong, soft little fingers tugging on your shirt, his shy smile hiding below the edge of the crib, with just his baby blue eyes glimmering at you from his dim room. His sloppy, wet, perfect kisses. His belly laughs, discovering his skills. Hell, mastering those skills? Feeling him sleep next to you. Hearing him sleep next to you. Are you sad because you didn't experience those things? I know we talked about them. I know you were excited.

Are you hurt? Hurt that I made it difficult by moving? Because you didn't stop me. Your phone calls and messages got fewer and further between. Your family stopped sending him gifts, then cards. Are you so hurt that you said things about the mother of your child, that you probably shouldn't have said? I hope not. Did I hurt you in the process of doing what was best for our boy? I didn't mean to. I really sincerely did not mean to.

I hope you wallowed for a while. I hope you allowed yourself to experience those feelings. It's the only way to get through them. But I hope you didn't let it destroy you. When he goes looking for you, I hope he finds a good, kind, accomplished man. I hope you don't let your time away from him slip away from you. Do something worthy of that gorgeous boy asleep in his bed right now.

I don't think I will ever understand why you removed yourself and your family from his life. Even if I were the absolute worst human being on the planet, he's still your son. You were there before he was born, feeling him kick, coming up with names. You put his crib together with me. You carried baby gear into the house. You were there when he was born, you were there when I was up all night sobbing because he wouldn't latch on. You were there singing inappropriate music to him and dancing that shimmy dance to 'Black Betty'. You changed his diapers and fell asleep with him, giving into the exhaustion. You dreamed a whole life for him.

How could you walk away from that?

What would you want me to tell him about you? What would you want me to say about you, when he asks? Because he will. I will answer his questions, and let him make his own mind up about you. Maybe you'll be back in his life by then. Even if just in some minimal way.

You have a beautiful son. One that has your ears. He's happy and healthy. I made sure he always had what he needed. Doctors and therapies and interventions (because you weren't there for the diagnosis, and the rollercoaster involved. I could've used you there. He could have used you there), I made sure he had them all. I fought hard for your boy. I will always fight for him. But I can't ever fill the void you left, no matter how hard I try. And I will never be able to tell him why you're not there, because to be honest, I can speculate, but I have no fucking idea.

So, I hope you're good. I hope you're happy, and achieving, and pursuing your dreams. I hope you're using your time to better yourself and be worthy of the son you don't know. Because he deserves that. I hope you're not hurting or sad. I hope you wonder about him. I even hope you worry. After all, isn't that what fathers are supposed to do?

Meet Reggie

So it's been quite a while since I talked about anything planner related. I've just been overwhelmed and switching around...a LOT. I'm finally comfy in this gorgeous guy. His name is Reggie. 

Isn't he GORGEOUS!!! He's from Filofax. I chose the A5 sized Regency in Black. Now if only it wasn't a compact, I feel like we'd be soulmates.

There are so many pockets and compartments, but they're laid out well. And yes, that's right, TWO elasticized penloops! The front has 3 card slots, and 3 longer slots. In addition, the front has two pockets behind these slots, much like the Kate Spade Wellesley. The back has two pockets like this as well as a note pad spot. I use the bottom pen loop to support the mail I need to attend to in the slot meant to hold a note pad. 

I'm really trying to keep these 'cute' things to a minimum. The things that don't serve much of a purpose and aren't sentimental. The eye candy, if you will. Don't get me wrong, I have s o m e. Just not sections full.

The last really cool thing I wanna mention, is this folder from sequinsandpaper on etsy. I put my business card holders in it and tie it shut. It makes me feel like this information is more protected that way. 

Anyways, I've placed a few orders recently and I'm so excited to unbox them for you. Stay tuned, loves!

What planner do you use? What are you loving about your system?

IEP Meeting Aftermath

AHHHHHhhhhhh!!! I made it through the IEP meeting mayhem. Well mostly anyhow. I still need to sign the final IEP, but we rejected once and got almost everything we asked for. I hear this is kind of a miracle. 

It wasn't without struggle, though. We were first started down the road of Individualized Education Plans in MARCH. The school district came out and did some evaluations. Speech, OT, PT, the SPED teacher, and of course, the BCBA. We had our first IEP meeting where I was so overwhelmed by everyones genuine desire to help my son, that I let a few things slip by me. Right now, Bubs isn't speaking yet, and we're still trying to help him nail down a consistent way of communicating with us. SOOOOO, I when I saw that he was only going to have two sessions with speech and both of those were going to be co-treats, I decided that wasn't enough. There were also several other sections that weren't even filled out yet. They had also asked me to sign a consent for an extended evaluation. I didn't mind that at all, but there was no way I was accepting an IEP without placement included. I exchanged emails several times, and it seemed more time was passing between each reply. I grew more and more frustrated and eventually cc'ed the Director of Special Education. 

Long story short, we ended up having a very productive meeting. They ended up CREATING a sub-separate classroom for him. In addition, they decided to hire a CNA full time. I suppose it would end up being the most cost effective thing for them, but regardless I was IMPRESSED. I won't go into too much more detail about the paperwork but I will say this...

HOW THE HECK DID MY KID GET TO BE SO OLD!?

Now that the IEP madness seems to be more or less over with, I can focus on the fact that the reason he needs an IEP is because he will be three. Ay yi yi... We're going back to school shopping for the first time tomorrow. I'm both happy and sad. Motherhood gives me mixed emotions? Weird right? 

When he was first born, I couldn't imagine his 3rd birthday. I didn't know at the time that he would start full days in school at 3. I assumed it would be 5 or 6. I thought if I could make it to 5 or 6, then things would calm down. I could have a little more time for myself. I would never have guessed that he would start so early. In a few weeks he'll be gone for a good portion of the day. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time, but also trying to decide what our new routine will be. I'm going to miss him SO much, but I am SO excited for this next chapter in our lives. The school years. 

Hey, out of shape girl.

Hey, you, out of shape girl.

Yes, you. The one staring into the ground when you run to avoid meeting the eye of the other people you pass. The one with earbuds in, avoiding letting yourself fully be a part of the environment around you. I see you wincing with each breath. I see you pumping your arms to propel you forward. I see you persevering. Even underneath the too many layers you used to cover up your body.

The one in the back of the class, dripping with sweat. Tilting your head back running through the list of reasons you came tonight. Running through your WHY. Why you went despite your anxiety. Why you did it anyways. 

The one who works out at home, letting your grunts of pain and effort out. The one taking more breaks than time spent working out. Silently (or not so silently) cursing at the trainers on the screen. Collapsing when the workout ends. I see you. And I have something to say to you. 

You are amazing. Truly.

If you’d just reach out to me, and take that hard step, you would know the reverence and respect I have for you. The journey you've begun is tremendous. I could tell you JUST HOW CLOSE you are to a deeper sense of happiness, health, confidence, hell....freedom. The life you will receive from your consistency will far exceed the monumental struggle you feel now, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others. To LEAD without even really intending to.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of uncomfortability. You have taken the BIGGEST step to propel you forward into a lifestyle you can't even begin to imagine. Each day, the movements become more fluid. You can hold a little longer, lift a little more, push a little harder.  Each time you get up, and show up, you take one baby step (of incredible significance) toward this thrilling place. A place where you hold yourself to a higher standard, but give yourself GRACE. Where you understand your body better, and make better decisions for it. A place where you feel so profoundly happy, that you cannot imagine ever going back. 

You’re an inspiration to me. And, if you’d give me a few moments of your time, you would know that I and so many others, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe of your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. Do you know how many are still saying, "I'll start tomorrow"? Yet here you are, day after day, giving it your all.

You are a bossbabe (or bossman), and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly and consistently taking the steps towards your goals. You are stronger than you think, and you are about to be so very amazed by what you can DO. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll see a photo, or do something you haven't done in a while and it will suddenly just click. You will not believe your own progress, you will realize that you CAN do this! And suddenly you will find that the goals you had set for yourself, were set FAR too low!

I bow to you. I support YOU. And you know what? I WAS you. 

Every ounce of my love,

Erika

50 Pounds GONE

I've been a little quiet lately...okay. I've been a little more than quiet. I'll just skip over the part where I tell you in detail how hard my life has been lately and how much I've had on my plate, because EVERYONE has things going on. Every. Single. Person. AND there are people with way more going on than you who sucked it up and did it anyways. HOWEVER, that being said, everyone's journey happens in their own time.

So about a year and a half ago (has it REALLY been that long?!) I hit rock bottom. I was in a minor fender-bender, and went into the doctors office for a little check up. I hopped up on the scale, the nurse turned to me and said, "Let's weight you again. There's no way that's right." Yup. You read that right. I shocked the nurse with my weight gain. "Two twenty-four"; she kind of whispered it, kind of muttered under her breath. My heart felt like it would shoot out of my chest. I listened, choking back tears, when the doctor came in and gave me the 'you need to loose weight' speech. I no longer cared about the pain in my neck. I cared about the number I'd just heard.

I went to work the next night, and spent HOURS looking up weight loss videos on Youtube. I searched 'quick and easy weight loss' and things like 'loose weight fast'. I finally, FINALLY found one that resonated with me. I commented on her video, sent a message on facebook and didn't expect what would happen.

It CHANGED my LIFE. I lost 50 freakin pounds, and I kept it off. So what if it took me longer than so-and-so? So what if I had a handful (or more than that if I'm being completely transparent)  of setbacks? I STUCK WITH IT, and I succeeded. Don't get me wrong, I'm not near finished, but I need to celebrate this, because this is HUGE for me. I'd also like to make it VERY clear that this transformation was not without work.

I started with this simple, idiot proof plan, right? I just did what I was told. It was hard, but it was worth it. I used these measuring containers that told me how much of the foods I was already eating to eat. It told me which of 8 easy workouts to do each day. I carved out the 30 minutes to do it. I did this for a few months, then switched to a faster paced workout called T25. I capped it off with another called PiYo. I hit a road block around 180 pounds. I'd loose a few then pop back up. I did some serious self evaluating, and realized that if 80% of my results were to come from my nutrition, then why was I STILL eating processed foods and truck loads of carbs? (I also discovered a gluten allergy through this journey. Yay!!) So I did some research, did a cleanse, broke some addictions, and I will NEVER regret it. This cleanse was The Ultimate Reset. A daunting, yet rewarding experience. I learned not only about nutrition, but about myself. 

This post was a quick and excited rant, so I apologize if I was confusing. But PLEASE PLEASE find me on facebook and shoot me a message. I'd love to chat with you about YOUR journey.

x's and o's
Erika

My Ultimate Reset Results!!!!

So, let me just preface this post with this blurb...ya know, to make legal happy and to cover my bootay.

The results you get from this program will vary. These opinions are just my own, and if you don't like the Ultimate Reset as much as I did, then that's a you problem ;) Kidding!...well kind of. ALSO, several grammar rules will be broken. I use a lot of capitals and copious amounts of punctuation. I talk with my hands (hell, my whole body) and being behind a keyboard restricts that, so hence, the shouty capitals and punctuation.

I decided to do the Ultimate Reset after MONTHS of deliberation. Yes, you read that correctly, months. It was a big deal for me to purchase this program. It's something I needed to budget for and save for. I saved for 6 months because it was important to me. I knew that I needed this in my life.

I had spent the last year cleaning up my diet, working out, and drinking my Shakeology. I lost a good hunk of weight. I almost hit the 50 pound mark and then I'd revert back to my eating habits. I would make excuses and place the blame on others for my sabotaging myself. It's true what they say about a bad diet. You can't out-exercise it.

I did the 3 Day Refresh on a monthly basis. I always felt PHENOMENAL when I did it and even better on the last day. That structure and meal plan worked well for me. Having my meals laid out and planned like that left zero room for guesswork or 'just this once's

I did a fair amount of research about the Ultimate Reset, because of the price tag. But like I said, I saved and I made it happen. And I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that I did!!! I cannot put into typed words just HOW much I would make the same decision over and over again.

The first few days were far from great. I felt weak, hungry, and I had a headache from Hades. Thank you, caffeine addiction. I didn't cave and go for the Advil.  (OH, and I got my period on day two. Talk about detox) I used a small ice pack at the nape of my neck and chugged my water. I was drinking 2 to 3 gallons of water a day. Yes, I peed a LOT. The first week I phased out animal products and into weeks 2 and 3 I ate a plant based diet. I actually ENJOYED IT. I didn't realize how heavy I was used to feeling. I felt calm, level headed, and just overall G O O D. I didn't even KNOW just how bad of a place I was in. My dependency on food and the reasons I turned to it were thrown in my face. Talk about ah-hah moment after ah-hah moment!

As for my timing, I decided to start on May 1st, making my last day May 21st. I did this program over mother's day, a christening, and my birthday. If I can do THAT, you can too.

I recorded several videos over my 3 weeks doing this program, but I can't find most of the footage! I'm re-recording them and will upload them along with more in depth posts. Here are my results-physically anyhow. HOLY EFFING COW. Stay tuned for those other posts, guys. You're gonna wanna hear about this.

I'm making this an annual thing. Maybe starting the day after my birthday this time, though.

Here's from the front

And the side

And here's for the hater's. You can't suck in back fat ;)

XOXO

Erika

50 Questions About Me-- Get To Know Me

I found these questions on a blog I frequent and thought it would be fun to answer them for y'all!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5am, well kind of. I was up at 1:22 because I was working (hospice) and my client had a rough night. Ergo, I had a rough night. 

2. How do you like your steak? Medium Well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Tammy. Wow, it's definitely been a while.

4. What is your favorite TV show? Gilmore Girls is my all time favorite. Friends is a close second. I'll put either of those on when I need a little me time. Chopped is interesting now and again. I love that one HGTV show that I CANNOT think of the name of. It's a husband and a wife that flip houses for buyers? UGH! It will come to me, I'm sure. But just because we are being real and honest here… Keeping up with the Kardashians is my guilty pleasure.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Southern California. Yes. No Question.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Vegan Chocolate Shakeology and an apple. YUMO!

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Thai or Japanese

8. What foods do you dislike? Tofurkey, anything with a lot of butter or grease...shudder.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Boston's Baddest Burgers, The Counter, Halfway Cafe, Nisa's Thai...sensing a theme here?

10. Favorite dressing? Ranch or Caesar, NO....wait. Pomegranate Vinaigrette!

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Kia Sportage

12. What are your favorite clothes? Im pretty casual as a Mom.  Nothing beats a Graphic T-shirt and leggings.  SO easy to style and accessorize… and look cute everyday. You can dress it up, or down. Thats my kind of outfit. Quick and easy!

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? England, Thailand, Ireland or Scotland, Paris France, New York City, New Orleans, and the Disneys. ALL DAY, every day.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? I would say both… depends on my mood.  But usually 1/2 full…I'm trying to be one of THOSE people ;)

15. Where would you want to retire? Southern California.

16. Favorite time of day? It used to be night time. I was a TOTAL night owl. I get that from my grandmother. She and I would stay up late watching CSI, or other crime shows. She'd make tea and little sandwiches. Those memories I cherish. But in the past year, I've tried really hard to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier now that I have a 2.5 year old.

17. Where were you born? California, baby!

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Dance. Competitive dance.

19. How many siblings? 1 sister, 3 years younger than me.

20. Favorite pastime/hobby? I'm a total art freak. And crafts. Scrapbooking, drawing, illustrating, heck, I'll color in a kid's coloring book. I've recently gotten into ring bound planners. I remember my dad having one, and I'm super excited about it.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? EVERYONE! I'm a deep talk craver. I l love getting to know people.

22. Bird watcher? Nope. People watcher.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Definitely Night.  I could stay up really really late if i didn't have my kiddo. Its hard to get me into bed before 11:00pm… but I'm getting better about making myself.

24. Do you have any pets? Yes, a beagle boston terrier, Zoe. And Moxie will forever be mine.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I chopped my hair recently!

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Artist, Performer, Apparel Designer, Singer, I also wanted to own a hotel made of cheese with my bestie, Kim. It's still on the goal board, people.

27. What is your best childhood memory? Probably Disneyland with my dad.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Cat.  I wish I could have like 5 cats… but I can't have cats in this condo.

29. Are you married? Nope.

30. Always wear your seat belt? ALWAYS. It's one of the only habits that my parents gave me that I'm grateful for.

31. Been in a car accident? Yes… I've been rear ended twice, and once I caused it. It was stupid really. I was in the drive thru line at Starbucks, and I bent down to get something I dropped on the passenger side floor, and when I went to grab it, my foot lifted off the break and I tapped the lady in front of me. LITERALLY 1mph. STUPID.

32. Any pet peeves? When people smack and chew with their mouth open. Or if I can see your tounge moving like a cat's? I sound terrible but it's the truth! What else? Uhm...When people are sick and sneeze or cough all willy nilly. COVER your mouth thank ya!

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Pineapple… or Sausage Onion.

34. Favorite Flower? Peonies, Hydrangeas, Lavendar.

35. Favorite ice cream? Chocolate Chip Mint

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Chipotle.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Never. Whoop whoop!

38. From whom did you get your last email? PayPal notifying me that I've created a shipping label. Paypal is very email-happy.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Target.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Chopped my hair. My life isn't too exciting right now!

41. Like your job? I have a job that's rewarding. Two actually. I'm working with elderly clients (like 94 and still kicking!) And I am also a health and lifestyle coach. A motivator, if you will. OH and let's not forget my mama duties!

42. Broccoli? Yes!! It may stick in your teeth, but fries stick on your ass.

43. What was your favorite vacation? Disneyland. Hands down.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Dad, Greg, and Liam. We had halfway cafe.

45. What are you listening to right now? My clacking keys, my snoring toddler, and the MOST annoying fridge humming ever!

46. What is your favorite color? Honestly, this changes every time I'm asked so I usually say nudes to be safe.

47. How many tattoos do you have? Two.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?  1:47 PM

50. Coffee Drinker? Coffee Addict is more like it. Give me an IV when that's approved by the board of health.

Hope you all got to know me a little better :)  Tell me something I don't know about YOU!

xoxo

Erika

So...I still use a paper planner?

In a time where everyone has their smartphones glued to their hands, why on earth would I go backwards and use a paper planner!?

Because I'm a visual person. That's the simple answer.

When I was in middle school, my dad RELIGIOUSLY used a Franklin Covey zip planner. He had those green daily pages, and even inventoried them by year when he was done. I wanted one SOOOO badly. I've always been a stationary and pen addict. In fact I was almost sent to the principals office in 6th grade over some scented erasers. True story.

Anyways, he ended up getting me a magnetic snap one, and I took that thing everywhere. I've upgraded since then, and started with Filofax and moved into Kate Spade. I did a few planner set up video, but just to warn you, they're supppeerrr awkward. I'm getting better, I promise

Since these videos I've purchased, the Day Designer, Erin Condren, Target planners (like Sugar Paper LA and the Day Designer's Line) even Midori, and always end right back up in a ring bound planner. I just LOVE being able to customize it soooo much.

It's also kind of a creative outlet for me. I used to scrapbook, and I still paint and draw. BUT I will say, all the decorating does overwhelm me. 

Little Man Update

Hi loves!!! Long time, no write, huh? I know. I'm trying to get better at it, because I do love writing, but by the time little man is down for the night, all I want to do is veg out in front of some Netflix. Yep. Shocker, huh? 

SO! Little man! He and I have made 4 trips to the brace shop to get his AFO's fitted correctly. The last visit we had, we saw a different orthotist. HE was amazing. He fixed every little thing and they are practically perfect now. We also managed to find shoes that would accommodate the width of them. New Balance, Saucony, and Stride Rite were no-go's. Who would've thought we'd end up back with Nike again. Hurray!!

He just had his 2 and a half birthday, where I improvised cupcakes out of funfetti pancake batter that Greg had in the cupboards. Needless to say, it wasn't the same. Little man got a kick out of the candles though. My heart leapt out of my chest when he lunged for them. I cannot believe how OLD and BIG he's getting. Part of me is sad. Sad that phases of his life are passing, sad that I'm having more and more trouble remembering his baby days. BUT, I am also extremely excited for the future. I love watching his little soul develop. He's more observant and always learning. He's becoming so much more expressive and he's just hit (and honestly gone a little ways past) that size where I can hold his hand properly, and his arms can reach around my neck to give me squeezes. I die.

He's in an awkward in between when it comes to clothing sizes. 2T is usually too snug, or too short. 3T is a little bit baggy. Certain brands work better than others and I have to totally reorganize our closet (He and I share one, as the master houses the washer and dryer) because his clothes are getting so much bigger, and I'm in the process of simplifying and trying to work towards a minimalist wardrobe (yeah, that's a story in and of itself).

I feel like I've missed so much, but all in all Liam is doing FANTASTICALLY. The only issue is this crazy stupid amount of snowfall we've had in Boston. We can't really do much besides walk around the mall. And we are going slowly stir crazy. 

Anyhow, I'm coming up with a blog schedule because I do want to devote more time to this. Hopefully my next post's thoughts will be more organized!

xoxo 

Erika

Where I'm Starting In 2015 - Progress Photos

Around this time last year, I was working nights, and taking care of my son during the day. He is two now, and has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Being a single mom, taking care of him, and the stress that comes with a new diagnosis like that, my health was the LAST thing on my mind. 

I knew the foods I was eating weren’t healthy, but getting meals at the drive thru, or in the prepared foods section on my way to and from work, was the easiest thing for me to do. I was tired, sluggish, and uncomfortable in my still-gaining body. I weighed more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant. When the nurse had to double check my weight with me at a physical, I knew it was time to do something. If I was surprising medical professionals with my weight gain, something was wrong. 

My coworker was doing weight watchers so I signed on. I quickly realized that I was continuing these bad habits, just in smaller portions. I was searching fast and easy weight loss on Youtube when I happened upon someone’s weight loss transformation video. I sent her a message, and changed my life. 

I know it sounds corny, but it’s true. She got me signed up with a challenge pack which gave me the best deal on a workout program and Shakeology. I didn’t do any research, I just jumped. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I was introduced to an amazing group of women who were all going through the same things that I was. I had this incredible accountability and judgment-free place to go when I was struggling, or dealing with a situation where I’d normally resort back to my unhealthy ways. I signed up as a coach within a few weeks. I started to read personal development books and saw a change more incredible than the physical ones. I HAD to share this with everyone. 

I have lost about 45 pounds since I started my journey. But in place, I’ve gained lifelong friends, self love, confidence, energy, happiness, joy, you NAME it. I am a part of one of the most supportive communities of women (and men). I continue to coach, because there are SO many people out there who don’t know what they’re missing. It’s more than the workouts and the Shakeology. It’s more than the weight loss. It’s about TRANSFORMATIONS. I am the BEST version of myself. I am healthier than I have ever been. Both physically and emotionally. I have come alive through this journey. I am a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter, a better girlfriend, a better coach when I work on myself first. I wouldn’t give this feeling up for anything. I'll always have stretch marks. Some from my son, and some from my unhealthy lifestyle. I have sagging and loose skin. But I LOVE IT. It's just proof of how far I've come.

And though this has been a journey full of ups and downs, both emotional and in pounds, it has TRUELY made me grow. People who have known me since before I've started say they see a difference. Not only in my size, but the joy I radiate.

So, are you ready to chat yet? Send me a friend request. Let's chat!  https://www.facebook.com/erikakkamezaki

erika.kamezaki@gmail.com

Sometimes It All Gets To Be A Bit Too Much

I am struggling.

Struggling to fall asleep, struggling to turn my thoughts off, struggling to stay positive, struggling to move my face without my tear-streaked cheeks tugging, struggling to look away from the baby monitor, struggling to stay strong, struggling not to fall apart.

Struggling to keep my voice down when I celebrate first bites of new foods, struggling to let go of his bumbling toddler hugs, struggling to look away from the plethora of smiling photos of him on the wall behind this monitor, struggling to keep from sleeping on his bedroom floor,

struggling to stay pessimistic. 

I just watched a video a friend had posted to her Facebook page. It was a video of a woman named Carly. She had an indescribable breakthrough. She types. She went over to the laptop and typed out HURT, then HELP before throwing up behind the couch. That's how she started to communicate with those around her. She shocked people. The fluidity with which she wrote was astonishing. She described how she feels and how much she understands. And I realize, for the umpteenth time, that there are things I might never understand.

I know that isn't the brightest of views, nor is it the tone of a mother who fancies herself Wonder Woman. But it's what I am struggling with. I don't know how much Bub's understands. I don't know if he understands when I say, "I love you." I don't know if he is in pain or discomfort. I don't know if he enjoys the food I offer, or if he's just hungry. I just don't freaking know. I don't know if he feels trapped, the way Carly feels. I don't know if he is understanding the PECs system I'm desperately pushing. I don't know a whole lot of things.

But what I do know is this. No matter how hard it gets, or how deep into self pity I sink, his smile pulls me out. It doesn't always happen right away, but it does. I also know that this is a long haul struggle. I don't know that I will ever be able to describe accurately enough. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to push for what he needs. I won't ever give up.

There is ALWAYS more to the story than what you see. I want so desperately to be in his body for a day. I would give pretty much anything for that. I am struggling to be his rock and deal with the emotional roller coaster that I've hopped on.

I would LOVE to meet Carly, and have her spend just a few hours with us. Bub's inner voice will find it's way out, as it does daily. I just have to be patient and PAY ATTENTION. I hate to let anyone see me struggle, because I DO want to be supermom for him. But, at the same time, I hate that no one knows what I'm going through. One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is letting go. Whether it's anger, confusion, love, or grief. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. I've said it before, but the nine months I was pregnant with Bubs, this is not exactly what I imagined. I still struggle with letting that go.

I keep telling myself that challenges are not sent to destroy me. They're sent to promote, increase and strengthen me. This struggle is part of my story. Part. Not all of it, and most definitely not forever. So for tonight, I'll embrace it and let it make me stronger.

I REFUSE to get so focused on the struggles that I forget about the gift of today.

And do me a favor? Remember that EVERYONE you meet is fighting a battle you know NOTHING about.

Overcoming The Overwhelm

The past few weeks have been very trying. I've been stressed, scared, happy and hopeful. Just when I feel I have my footing, whoosh. It's gone.

Sometimes you have an ACTUAL person to battle against - a specialist, a teacher, an administrator, an insensitive family member, a total stranger, an ass of an employer, or your own stubborn child.

SOMETIMES your opponent is less concrete - a disease, a disability, a mile stone that keeps moving away, or skill your child JUST can't seem to master. And sometimes you end up fighting against YOURSELF - subduing your fears, conquering your doubts, attacking your insecurities. REGARDLESS of the foe, you're in it to WIN it. Surrender is NOT an option. You may negotiate and agree to a treaty, or observe a ceasefire, or you may scorch of the earth and take no prisoners. BUT you'll fight the good fight as long as there's ANY fight left in you - and then you'll FIGHT some MORE.

Bubs is scheduled for a Bronchoscopy on the third and countless other appointments. I've given a months notice to his daycare, and will follow shortly with my weekday employer. I'll be working weekends and nights so I can stay home with him during the day. It's the only way to give him the support he needs. And you know what? That's a-okay with me. Screw other people taking care of him when I could do it. So what if it's going to be hard? I didn't get into this motherhood business thinking it would be easy. Granted, not THIS hard, but whatever. I am BLESSED to have this life. I am STRONG enough for it. 

He didn't nap today. It's 7:45pm, and he is STILL awake. I had plans to get the house organized, to get caught up with laundry(to finally finish that ONE load that I have had to rewash for forgetting it was in there) to get caught up with my writing...welp. 

Wrong, Erika. Wrong. But that can wait. Because right now, I'm rocking my baby, and that is a thing to be THANKFUL for. 

One day, I'll look back on the therapies, appointments, sleepless nights, napless days, tears, triumphs, ignorance, heartaches, and struggles. And I'll smile.

Hugs 

Erika

So...What the HECK is this Coaching thing?

Most of you know that my son, Liam, turned two recently. Looking back, it kinda blows my mind at how much has changed in the last 2 years. Motherhood joys and challenges included, I am happier, healthier and SO excited for the future. Thinking about how much more will change in the next year makes me both nervous and exited. 

In the next year I plan to:

-Travel with my family to the West Coast twice, Nashville in July, and another trip in the fall

-Pay off all debt

-Put at least $5000 in Savings for Bubs

-Enroll Buba in a pre school that is going to help him succeed

-Work only on weekdays, then quit my job. No more working for someone else

-Quadruple my current monthly income by the end of 2015

None of this would be possible without the amazing business I am creating, and the amazing people I work with everyday, and have grown into lifelong friends. In November of 2013 I hit the heaviest weight that I have recorded. 214 pounds. Sharing this journey has NOT been easy, BUT it has been so rewarding, and more than that, I have grown so much as a person. 

I'm not any different than you. I'm a busy mom, I have a TIGHT monthly budget, maybe some debt, and the desire for MORE. 

More time

More money

More freedom

More.

I have have started creating a business that allows me just that. I work at it when I want, and when I have the time. I can work on this as I work a corporate job, making ends meet as a single mom. I LOVE that ANYONE with the heart and drive can be successful. My earning potential is limitless, and I can rest easy knowing that my company offers THE BEST products on the market, that change lives. No gimmicks, quick fixes, no scams, just QUALITY, life changing solutions. The proof is endless. I no longer fall asleep worried (well most of the time) that things won't get better. I fall asleep visualizing my DREAMS. I no longer wake, dreading the day to day things that cost money and pull me away from my son. I wake restless. Restless to tackle my day. Restless to work on myself. Restless to GET. IT. DONE.

If you have ever thought that you deserved more for your life, wanted more for your kids, wanted to be a part of an amazing community of people, wanted some security, wanted to FINALLLY get rid of your debt, maybe make a little money to use for vacation, look no further. Aren't your dreams worth 5 days? I can SHOW you how VALUABLE and INCREDIBLE this opportunity is. I can answer the questions you might have held back on asking. 

Join me for a FREE, no obligation, 5 day online sneak peek into what I do everyday, how I make money, and how I have grown my business through social media. We are starting MONDAY  

Link to join the private group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/745397708865190/

Hugs

Erika