January 18th

My father had suggested earlier this day that I find a 'facility' who could take me sweet four year old. He meant well, so as much as I wanted to fault him, deep down, I knew his intentions weren't malicious. I called him, upset and in and out of panic attacks over an increase in rumination. I hopped on Facebook and shot a message to my friend.

My friend wrote, "You are in the hardest part right now, and you are surviving." She just gets me. She helps ground me when I spin out in fits of unease and unrest about the unknown of our future.

"And when he's an adult, he likely will live away from you, in a community based home. This isn't forever. He will be an adult and move out just like all adults do."

One of my absolute favorite people, badass mama friends, and former coworker in the field of developmental and intellectual disabilities sent me that message on January 18th of this year. And it felt like someone hit me in the stomach. Not because the idea of him leaving me one day upset me but because it was the first time anyone had labeled his future 'out loud'. I started our journey with Autism in denial, and until that moment when I read that message, I'd had this hope, that he would figure it out, and figure out a way to communicate and he would still be a successful doctor-teacher-scientist. But for whatever reason, this matter of fact phrasing.. it hit me. Hard.

And she is right.

My son is now four and a half. He is non-verbal and signs for a few preferred things. Let's just be real for a minute. I will always have hope that I will hear him say "I love you, mama", but he tells me that in other ways. I truly think I've come to an acceptance about that part. His relationship with me? I'm pretty much at peace with that.

But right now? I worry about his relationship with the world. He's growing up, and the older and bigger he gets, the more evident the divide is. And there are not enough people who can bridge that right now.

I'm putting it out into the universe right now. I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR HIM. I will do him proud. I will fail. More often than I succeed maybe. But I won't give up, and I'll give myself grace. Because my big boy, he deserves the world.

And in the words of my sweet friend, "It scares you because you are imagining Liam NOW, moving out. He's going to have more skills and be an adult. You are rocking it. Even if day to day you feel like you are just surviving." So, if anyone reading this is a fellow autism mama, you are rocking it.