Struggling to fall asleep, struggling to turn my thoughts off, struggling to stay positive, struggling to move my face without my tear-streaked cheeks tugging, struggling to look away from the baby monitor, struggling to stay strong, struggling not to fall apart.
Struggling to keep my voice down when I celebrate first bites of new foods, struggling to let go of his bumbling toddler hugs, struggling to look away from the plethora of smiling photos of him on the wall behind this monitor, struggling to keep from sleeping on his bedroom floor,
struggling to stay pessimistic.
I just watched a video a friend had posted to her Facebook page. It was a video of a woman named Carly. She had an indescribable breakthrough. She types. She went over to the laptop and typed out HURT, then HELP before throwing up behind the couch. That's how she started to communicate with those around her. She shocked people. The fluidity with which she wrote was astonishing. She described how she feels and how much she understands. And I realize, for the umpteenth time, that there are things I might never understand.
I know that isn't the brightest of views, nor is it the tone of a mother who fancies herself Wonder Woman. But it's what I am struggling with. I don't know how much Bub's understands. I don't know if he understands when I say, "I love you." I don't know if he is in pain or discomfort. I don't know if he enjoys the food I offer, or if he's just hungry. I just don't freaking know. I don't know if he feels trapped, the way Carly feels. I don't know if he is understanding the PECs system I'm desperately pushing. I don't know a whole lot of things.
But what I do know is this. No matter how hard it gets, or how deep into self pity I sink, his smile pulls me out. It doesn't always happen right away, but it does. I also know that this is a long haul struggle. I don't know that I will ever be able to describe accurately enough. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to push for what he needs. I won't ever give up.
There is ALWAYS more to the story than what you see. I want so desperately to be in his body for a day. I would give pretty much anything for that. I am struggling to be his rock and deal with the emotional roller coaster that I've hopped on.
I would LOVE to meet Carly, and have her spend just a few hours with us. Bub's inner voice will find it's way out, as it does daily. I just have to be patient and PAY ATTENTION. I hate to let anyone see me struggle, because I DO want to be supermom for him. But, at the same time, I hate that no one knows what I'm going through. One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is letting go. Whether it's anger, confusion, love, or grief. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. I've said it before, but the nine months I was pregnant with Bubs, this is not exactly what I imagined. I still struggle with letting that go.
I keep telling myself that challenges are not sent to destroy me. They're sent to promote, increase and strengthen me. This struggle is part of my story. Part. Not all of it, and most definitely not forever. So for tonight, I'll embrace it and let it make me stronger.
I REFUSE to get so focused on the struggles that I forget about the gift of today.
And do me a favor? Remember that EVERYONE you meet is fighting a battle you know NOTHING about.
