Overcoming The Overwhelm

The past few weeks have been very trying. I've been stressed, scared, happy and hopeful. Just when I feel I have my footing, whoosh. It's gone.

Sometimes you have an ACTUAL person to battle against - a specialist, a teacher, an administrator, an insensitive family member, a total stranger, an ass of an employer, or your own stubborn child.

SOMETIMES your opponent is less concrete - a disease, a disability, a mile stone that keeps moving away, or skill your child JUST can't seem to master. And sometimes you end up fighting against YOURSELF - subduing your fears, conquering your doubts, attacking your insecurities. REGARDLESS of the foe, you're in it to WIN it. Surrender is NOT an option. You may negotiate and agree to a treaty, or observe a ceasefire, or you may scorch of the earth and take no prisoners. BUT you'll fight the good fight as long as there's ANY fight left in you - and then you'll FIGHT some MORE.

Bubs is scheduled for a Bronchoscopy on the third and countless other appointments. I've given a months notice to his daycare, and will follow shortly with my weekday employer. I'll be working weekends and nights so I can stay home with him during the day. It's the only way to give him the support he needs. And you know what? That's a-okay with me. Screw other people taking care of him when I could do it. So what if it's going to be hard? I didn't get into this motherhood business thinking it would be easy. Granted, not THIS hard, but whatever. I am BLESSED to have this life. I am STRONG enough for it. 

He didn't nap today. It's 7:45pm, and he is STILL awake. I had plans to get the house organized, to get caught up with laundry(to finally finish that ONE load that I have had to rewash for forgetting it was in there) to get caught up with my writing...welp. 

Wrong, Erika. Wrong. But that can wait. Because right now, I'm rocking my baby, and that is a thing to be THANKFUL for. 

One day, I'll look back on the therapies, appointments, sleepless nights, napless days, tears, triumphs, ignorance, heartaches, and struggles. And I'll smile.

Hugs 

Erika

Mommy Meltdowns & Shitty Work Schedules

WELL....This post is not for the 'always-look-on-the-bright-siders' nor is it for the 'you-do-know-that-there-are-people-who-have-it-worse-than-youers'

That being said, let me give you my work schedule for the past few days.

Tuesday: 830am-10am, 11am-330pm, 630pm-11pm
Wednesday: 830am-1040am, 11am-330pm, 7pm-11pm
Thursday: 930am-1050am, 11am-330pm, 7pm-9m, 1030pm-6am. yes. AM!
Friday: 530pm-9pm
Saturday: 8am-3pm

Total Hours Worked: 47.25

I feel like I'm ALWAYS working. I have a few hours gap here and there, but I'm out from 8 am sometimes not getting home til the next morning. AND I'm missing my kid. I know I'm gonna miss out on something huge. And it kills me. I am tired, I am stressed, and I'm feeling a LITTLE used. BUT, for now, my hands are tied. I need diapers, and formula, aaaaaaand coffee...
I erupt into hot tears of anger when I pause long enough to think about how much time I'm not spending with my son. I feel anxious knowing that I have to leave him in a hurry. This is NOT what I wanted. I did NOT sign up for this...

YES. I know other people work more.
NO. I am not salaried.
NO. I didn't always have my schedule 12 hours in advance.
NO. I am NOT okay with this...but right now, I don't have much of a choice.

SO today, when I went to change Bub's poopy diaper, and he smushed his hand in it, and almost put it in his face, and smeared it all over the blanket he was laying on, and tried to crawl away, and a myriad of other things, I lost it.

"DON'T YOU DARE! THERE'S POOP INVOLVED!" Classy right? NOT. Those are not the words of a kind and sweet and gentle mother. They are the words of a sleep deprived, upset, and resentful mother(not resentful towards him, DUH, but towards work, the stupid, fucking, necessary evil.)

I did NOT have that shit contained. We ended up in the bathtub, where he screamed bloody murder as I hosed him off. Did I mention he was up at 6, and didn't go down for a nap til 2? (norm is up at 7 and nap at noon) I didn't? Oh, well, imagine being an almost 2 year old, sleepy as heck, and covered in your own shit, WHILE your tired, pissy, mother sprays you with the detachable shower head. Not a great reenactment of the Johnson's&Johnson's night time routine seen in their commercials (Anyone else called bullshit on those?)

Finally cleaned, and a charade to get a clean diaper back on him. I threw the shitty sheets in the wash, and laid him down next to me on the couch. I looked over and he was PASSED OUT.

I put him in his crib, shake of the mommy guilt as best I can, and am about to veg out on some netflix, youtube, and some serious de-stressing, when guess who calls?

It's work. Telling me that I need to work the holiday.